Staying soft is tricky business

〰️ some soft context 〰️

This is a long-ish one, but feels important: What exactly are we doing here? Why does it matter? Why does ‘soft’ feel so….hard? GAH! The tl; dr version: get curious, dear human. ❤️

The ‘soft’ I’m sharing about lives in a world with words like:

slow, present, open-hearted, trust, savor, curious, empathetic, imperfect, compassionate, nuanced, pleasurable, and connected. 

Such gentle, juicy words!

Softness welcomes a spiral path over a linear one. Softness is a state we can embody with practice.

I believe that softness increases our capacity to connect with ourselves and one another—and humans are wired to need both of these connections. 

I believe that cultivating a soft way of moving through the world also cultivates resilience—our ability to recover from or respond to or live alongside difficult external circumstances without allowing them to swallow us. Given that difficult external circumstances seem somewhat constant, this feels important. 

Finally, I’ve experienced that a mindset of softness—making space for beauty and delight, slowing down, honoring my human needs, feelings, and limitations, being present for what is—truly makes life more enjoyable than bulldozing through with urgency and impossible expectations. I am more awake for the ride, and accepting of what is. My emotional reactions are…gentler.

‘Soft’ sounds so nice, right? So, why does it feel so tricky? 

I won’t take on the self-help book mentality of telling you that you can learn to embrace ‘soft’ in just 6 easy steps, all in 60 minutes or less! ‘

‘Soft’ IS tricky, and I want to briefly remind us both why it might be so:

Psychologist Christine Runyan, in her podcast interview with Krista Tippett about the nervous system, shares that a lot of this difficulty comes down to our early experiences and how our nervous system has adapted in response: 

“Nervous system dysregulation is the source of where all of these other behavioral manifestations are coming. And we’re all patterned in different ways, and a lot of that….has to do with, what were the ways we met stress as a kid? How did we learn how to meet stress in a way to stay safe, as a kid? And, unexamined, those just continue to show up through our lives. And so not everybody manifests in the exact same way, because of that patterning and those histories, particularly if left unexamined, but you can certainly find plenty of people who are responding to that activation in a way that meets aggression, rigidity in thinking, getting very myopic in perspective, and not having much cognitive flexibility to share anybody else’s perspective or ideas. And so you have a massive loss of empathy. Massive loss of empathy.”

Humans have a biological need for safety and connection—to belong to ourselves and one another.

When we feel unsafe, our nervous system sounds the alarm. For many reasons, including genetics, trauma and other lived experiences, or ways we adapted to feel connected and safe in our families of origin as kids, slowing down may feel like scary, disorienting business. The act of acknowledging our own feelings and/or needs may feel uncomfortable or overwhelming or like a completely unfamiliar muscle. 

Over-functioning and “pushing through” may be the coping strategy we’re practiced our whole lives, the way we receive validation and praise, or the way we find connection to all the other humans pushing through.

And then there’s capitalism. I will keep it short: there’s a lot required to meet our (financial) needs within a system that doesn’t prioritize our needs. Most of us have been rewarded at some point in our lives for moving fast, working hard, and being efficient—or maybe criticized for not. We may have been told—overtly or covertly—that resting is lazy and we need to “meet our full potential”, or felt the pressure to keep up with those that embrace the hustle. All to meet the…American dream??? 

Additionally, brains are tricky: shifting a pattern requires awareness, intention, and curiosity—which is difficult to find when we’re moving so quickly and habitually. 

Point being: it’s tricky, and complex. The hustle we embrace goes deep, down to our roots, and into the systems we live amongst. 

The ‘soft’ I’m sharing about doesn’t require ‘all or nothing’.  We don’t need to strive for softness in any rigid, 100% way—that defeats the purpose! 

Small shifts in our awareness are powerful. 

I see the impact of this every day in my own life, and the lives of the people I work with. 

We can acknowledge it’s all tricky and layered, and still get curious about how we might invite more softness into our lives—and what feels like an internal obstacle to this. 

I love curiosity, and really do believe it can lead us into softness.

Therapist Brad Kammer reminds us that “Curiosity is the antidote to shame and fear.” 

It helps us step into “oh, THAT’s an interesting reaction I’m having, I wonder what it’s about?” versus, “Wow, I really suck at softening, what’s my problem?”

Psychologist Christine Runyan shares that the neurotransmitter of curiosity is dopamine. 

When we embody curiosity, we give ourselves a hit of dopamine. 

So cool, right?

Instead of beating ourselves up about our difficulties slowing down, why not get curious about what’s going on? 

What do you notice inside your body when you slow down or prioritize your own needs? 

What emotions and thoughts arise for you? 

Where do you notice resistance? 

It is enough just to notice—to acknowledge and name what’s happening within us.
I believe this is the path to finding more softness. 

Two of my favorite podcast episodes about the nervous system are the OnBeing episode I mentioned above with Christine Runyan (I liked reading the transcript too!), and Become an Active Operator of Your Nervous System with Deb Dana on 10% Happier. I like the reminder that our own nervous system regulation has a beautiful ripple impact on our kids, friends, and community. Amazing!

I invite you to pause throughout your day (it can be very brief!) and briefly check in with yourself with curiosity. What do you notice? What do you need? How do you feel? You don’t have to change anything—just notice and name. This is a great starting place for developing a steady connection with yourself throughout the day.