a few reasons to break up with self-help books (or hold them lightly)

〰️ self-liberation over self-improvement 〰️

I began reading books off of my parents’ self-help shelf when I was nine or ten years old. 

A lot of nutrition books, combined with an array of selections on spirituality, healing, home birth, juice cleanses, and connecting with your inner child. Light reading for a kid!

It’s only in the past couple years, knee-deep in studying to become a therapist, that it’s struck me how strange and dysfunctional the world of “self-help” or “self-improvement” actually is. 

The underlying message that permeates is: 

There’s always a way to be a better, healthier, happier, more attractive, more successful, and more efficient version of yourself—if you work hard enough and dedicate yourself to these simple 8 steps.

This message is often presented in a way that denies human complexity, systems of oppression, privilege, the impacts of trauma, and even genetics. 

Even the term “self-help” implies that we can (and should) do it on our own—unsurprisingly aligned with our individualistic culture. 

This is not to criticize the actual content of some of these books (many of which I appreciate), or the reality that many of us wake up one day to the realization that our lives are currently unmanageable or causing us enormous suffering; we need support. 

My frustration is the glorification of the “quick fix,” when in reality, everything is complicated, nuanced, and layered.

When the real work of being a human (for me) has been to be present and even appreciative of the reality of my life, as it is, right now—not when I’m “better”. 

Over the past few months in new therapist land, I’ve been honored to witness what happens when we get curious about our behavior, patterns, and tendencies—rather than jumping to labeling them “bad” or bullying ourselves to make changes. Just noticing and getting curious. Our relationship to ourselves can shift dramatically through this act! 

When we have a deeper understanding of how we got to where we are, self-acceptance and self-trust are easier. From there, so is change.

And when I mention change, I don’t mean “new year, new me!”. I mean, we can begin to shift our relationship to (and understanding of) what’s challenging us, and begin to make choices that better support our wellbeing. This is so different from self-rejection and rigid demands. 

I’m wondering: What would it look like to ditch self-improvement in favor of self-liberation? 

How do we go about befriending ourselves rather than improving ourselves?

Yours in softness,

Laura 

I love cookbook author Julia Turshen’s words about New Years: “I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, but I am a big fan of reflecting on what made me happy over the past year and doing my best to make sure my life includes as many of those things as possible. A few of those things include: being outside just me + Winky [her dog], being outside with friends, being inside on the couch, reading books that make me laugh, going to see movies in movie theaters… teaching my cooking classes!!!!”

Kate Bowler creates the podcast Everything Happens. I love how she addresses the problems present in self-help culture, and the “everything happens for a reason” ethos.